Diary

• Mi
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17/8/2000

It's definately time to change this directory structure and page layout for this diary around. I'll figure something out today.

Hmmm...I slept at home last nite, for about the first time in a week, more to the point I slept in my own bed, not on the couch, as I was doing when I first broke up with madi. It was the first time I've slept on that bed without Madi in a very long time. I suppose I cheated a bit, I got Mikey to stay over, so I had company. I have to admit I was a bit scared about going back to that bed it has farto memories attached to it, and to be honest I'm seriously considering getting a new one, or at least a new mattress. It's my bed, it was always my bed, I always called it that, but to be honest it really is our bed, and sleeping in it, either by myself, or with someone else feels kind of wrong.

I also noticed my kitten refused to sleep with me. Whether that was because he's grumpy with me because I haven't been home for a week, or because of Mikey's presence in my bed, I don't know, probably a bit of both. Poor Mikey, I don't know if he knows he is being used to purge ghosts. And I should prolly stop doing so, because I like him too much.

I have a doctors appointment today. I need more medecation and need a perscription to get it. Thats another $70 for a months worth of medecine. I'm not doing a very good job of weaning of the medication, I'm supposed to be moving down to every second day, but as a theory thats no working very well in practice. I think I have to do something about the ergonomics at work. My fingers have been hurting alot lately. I've been exercising, and I'm getting physically healthier, building up endurance, even loosing a bit of weight. BUt I have a suspicion the medication is loosing its effectiveness, or body body is adjusting to it and compensating, becoming used to it, I wonder if its addictive at all. So I'm going to go talk to a doctor who fill out a prescription, then I'l wait another month til my appointement with my specialist who'll suggest something else. BUt I'll be broke for the Sydney trip, after having to spend my trip money on medication. oh well, crap happens.

On a far more exciting note, we have heating at last!!! We finally got a plumber in and got the heating fixed. So I'll have a warm house at last.

Babarella just wrote something pretty cool on aus.culture.gothic, here's part of my responce.

glitter never comes out, glitter is the only thing that is permanent.

I've just spent a week waiting to cry, and been pretty unable. There are some pretty good things happening, and some pretty crap things happening, and the modd swings back and forth. Some times you dont want to think, you cant think, you just bury your head, keep busy forget, and in the process forget to cry.

There are some damn good reaons to cry. There are also times when its bloody hard. There are times when you sitting on a friends bed, trying to explain the new scars on your wirists, and this 'whole self mutilation thing' that he couldn't understand. It's not a wanky goth thing, it's a way of feeling, a way of marking time, goddamn it.

Sometimes everything is numb.

At other times you read something special, and then you go back and read over the handfasting pages on the website, think of lost opportunities and endings and start to cry....