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21/8/2000

Is it love or just lust?

no its just confusing really. It's bloody good sex, its the weak at the knees feeling just by being touched or kissed. Its the quiver, and the gut feeling, and the bloody desire, yup, this is what they mean by lust.

As for any emotional shit. Thats gets a bit more confusing. Maybe should just stick with the sex, thats kind of simple. However my reactions this weekend, to various things, proved to me, that I think its more than just sex, and I'm in danger of becoming attached. Partly the fact I missed him so much (mind you, we have been spending alot of time together) and partly the fact that I got kind of upset when I found out he played with someone else.

Mind you - I was vaguely interested in playing with a few people in Sydney, but then got there and decided I wasn't. Although a good one nite stand might be theraputic, I've decided that's its not for me now. In fact I think I'll stop using the word therapy, its a crap word.

I've been poking around the website, I've changed the structure of this diary thing considerably. I've also updated the Unwritten Rules website and put some new blurbs on it. Morgan's game looks really good. And Madi's are always good. And then I went and read over the weblogs - its very interesting to see who has actually been reading this :) Yes, I am watching you!

I'm in a better mood now. Doing stuff helps to focus the brain. As far as the confusion goes, I figure the best way to play it is one day at a time and to simply see what happens, stressing isn't going to get me anywhere. It must of just been the reaction to the sydney scene which is always melodramatic and close to hysterical. Makes for damn good roleplaying but really crap social politics. The urge to over act seems to be fading as I spend more time back in Melbourne :)

It's kind of like being on an emotional rollercoaster at the moment - I'm wavering between depressed, got estatic, from hopeful to despairing, and its really kinda crap, like bad hormonal stuff or something. I'm concerned about madi, about what he is thinking and feeling, and how we are going to get closure, and whether we can live together happily, and I don't want to push him or upset him, but I do want closure...

I'm worried about Mikey, I'm excited and hopeful, and i think things have the potential to be pretty good, but also quite worried that the fact I haven't got much in the way of self control (see earlier hormonal/emotional rollercoaster bit) at the moment, and I don't want to scare him away, or have him start thinking I'm a fucked up baby goth. Because I am not. I just need to work at putting my head back together. Periods of change are always filled with turmoil and kind of stressful, whats the J'Kar quote about born in pain...

found quote - here it is - its the end of season 3 I think...

"G'Quan wrote: 'There is a greater darkness than the one we fight. It is the darkness of the soul that has lost its way. The war we fight is not against powers and principalities, it is against chaos and despair. Greater than the death of flesh is the death of hope, the death of dreams. Against this peril we can never surrender. The future is all around us, waiting in moments of transition, to be born in moments of revelation. No one knows the shape of that future, or where it will take us. We know only that it is always born in pain.'"

Going home in a couple of weeks, and actually looking really forward to it for a change. Time to go, back tomorrow