Diary

• Mi
  • Diary - March 2002
    • 05/03/2002
    • 06/03/2002
    • 07/03/2002
    • 11/03/2002
    • 18/03/2002
    • 19/03/2002
    • 26/03/2002
  • Diary - Febuary 2002
    • 04/02/2002
    • 14/02/2002
    • 15/02/2002
    • 17/02/2002
    • 18/02/2002
    • 19/02/2002
    • 25/02/2002
    • 27/02/2002
  • Diary - January 2002
    • 06/01/2002
    • 08/01/2002
    • 10/01/2002
    • 11/01/2002
    • 15/01/2002
    • 20/01/2002
    • 24/01/2002
  • Diary - October
    • 29/10/2001
  • Diary - July
    • 04/07/2001
  • Diary - June
    • 19/06/2001
  • Diary - May
    • 24/05/2001
  • Diary - April
    • 02/04/2001
  • Diary - Febuary
    • 05/02/2001
    • 23/02/2001
    • 28/02/2001
  • Diary - January
    • 01/01/2001
    • 05/01/2001
    • 10/01/2001
    • 16/01/2001
    • 30/01/2001
  • Diary - December
    • 12/12/2000
    • 18/12/2000
  • Diary - November
    • 29/11/2000
    • 27/11/2000
    • 9/11/2000
  • Diary - October
    • 4/10/2000
    • 10/10/2000
    • 12/10/2000
    • 13/10/2000
    • 16/10/2000
    • 25/10/2000
    • 26/10/2000
    • 31/10/2000
  • Diary - September
    • 1/9/2000
    • 4/9/2000
    • 5/9/2000
    • 8/9/2000
    • 11/9/2000
    • 14/9/2000
    • 15/9/2000
    • 18/9/2000
    • 20/9/2000
  • Diary - August
    • 1/8/2000
    • 3/8/2000
    • 7/8/2000
    • 8/8/2000
    • 14/8/2000
    • 17/8/2000
    • 20/8/2000
    • 21/8/2000
    • 23/8/2000
    • 31/8/2000
  • Diary - July
    • 6/7/2000
    • 12/7/2000
    • 20/7/2000
  • Diary - old/acg
• Holiday
• Results of Personality Tests
• Roleplaying
• Unwritten Rules
• Interests
• Quotes
• Photos
• Handfasting
• Cats
• Vurt
• Home

Well its been awhile since I've written last, and its been a very busy time.

I've written down everything I've got on between Monday 27th Nov and Dec 22nd and there are very few gaps in that schedule. And then I feel kinda guilty because I'm neglecting aveline who is staying at the moment.

Of course being home at the moment is kinda painful - its full of noise and people and I don't really want to deal with it. And lets be honest I don't want to deal with Lee.

I feel really really guilty about this. But I don't think I'm capable of the effort it would take to help her. I don't have the time or energy to devote to the task. And still have time and energy left for me. I'm still in the process of trying to put my own life back together, and don't want to be responsible for someone elses.

I have plans - as per usual they involve becoming a better person. I need more self esteem, I need to be more sure of myself, I need to learn how to asay what I want and think without fear of reprecussions. I blurted on Sunday and am now left feeling embarrassed, like I'm a silly girl who over reacted badly when I shouldn't have. I did bad - now I still have to repair the damage. I have a feeling I can't put the effort into making friends until I'm stable enough to do so and not crack up again like I did on Sunday.

First step - remove stressful factors from my life. Primary factor at the moment is Lee, another one is something I'm not willing to talk about here, and I guess the fool I made of myself on Sunday is another one, not to mention Arcanacon and associated crap. bleah - hanging out to new years.

Need to have a serious talk with Madi. Hehe - A little sparrow just came in through my office window and is hopping around on the floor. I think they have fixed the aircon again - which really really sucks because its fucking freezing in here.

I found a little piece of diary style writing I did when I was 18, it was when I decided I was in love for the first time, its all soppy and sentimental and naive and kind of embarrassing. They say you always remember your first love - *shrug* I'm not so sure, I've spent most of my time since trying to forget my first. Not really any happy or good memories from that one at all, I mean I had fun at the time but on reflection its pretty ugly.

I just don't get gushy stuff I guess, not really my thing. I like friends, and talking and hugging and mutual respect kind of things. Madi was the one, however I think we fell for each other too fast and were never friends first which was prolly the main mistake. I still love him and still miss him desparately, but what can you do really. The mistake was made too early on and no time to fix it.

Fucking bank - wankers - I used to have I higher credit limit and I chose to drop it - now they want to make me fill out an application - like they assume I have time to go find a bank - fuckers. Last time I wanted an increase I did it over the phone.

On a more cheerful note - I've just been sent the url to a who pile of muppet song lyrincs and am happily printing them off.

Things have changed a little with Mikey - I've stopped denying things really. It took me awhile to figure it out and what I felt and how to say it the right way, and I have figured it out and its kind of a relief - and I don't think Mikey is unhappy with the result... We shall have to wait and see what happens next.

A quote from the desk of Warren Ellis "This year, weird as it's been, has all been set-up time. Next year, I take over the fucking world." And you know - thats about it. This year I've been coasting, next year I don't coast, I start something big and wonderful and huge and special - not quite sure what yet, but I will. It will be hard work, it will be creative and something good will come out of it, it will change something or some's perceptions at least. After this year - no coasting - its creating and growth time.