Diary

• Mi
  • Diary - March 2002
    • 05/03/2002
    • 06/03/2002
    • 07/03/2002
    • 11/03/2002
    • 18/03/2002
    • 19/03/2002
    • 26/03/2002
  • Diary - Febuary 2002
    • 04/02/2002
    • 14/02/2002
    • 15/02/2002
    • 17/02/2002
    • 18/02/2002
    • 19/02/2002
    • 25/02/2002
    • 27/02/2002
  • Diary - January 2002
    • 06/01/2002
    • 08/01/2002
    • 10/01/2002
    • 11/01/2002
    • 15/01/2002
    • 20/01/2002
    • 24/01/2002
  • Diary - October
    • 29/10/2001
  • Diary - July
    • 04/07/2001
  • Diary - June
    • 19/06/2001
  • Diary - May
    • 24/05/2001
  • Diary - April
    • 02/04/2001
  • Diary - Febuary
    • 05/02/2001
    • 23/02/2001
    • 28/02/2001
  • Diary - January
    • 01/01/2001
    • 05/01/2001
    • 10/01/2001
    • 16/01/2001
    • 30/01/2001
  • Diary - December
    • 12/12/2000
    • 18/12/2000
  • Diary - November
    • 29/11/2000
    • 27/11/2000
    • 9/11/2000
  • Diary - October
    • 4/10/2000
    • 10/10/2000
    • 12/10/2000
    • 13/10/2000
    • 16/10/2000
    • 25/10/2000
    • 26/10/2000
    • 31/10/2000
  • Diary - September
    • 1/9/2000
    • 4/9/2000
    • 5/9/2000
    • 8/9/2000
    • 11/9/2000
    • 14/9/2000
    • 15/9/2000
    • 18/9/2000
    • 20/9/2000
  • Diary - August
    • 1/8/2000
    • 3/8/2000
    • 7/8/2000
    • 8/8/2000
    • 14/8/2000
    • 17/8/2000
    • 20/8/2000
    • 21/8/2000
    • 23/8/2000
    • 31/8/2000
  • Diary - July
    • 6/7/2000
    • 12/7/2000
    • 20/7/2000
  • Diary - old/acg
• Holiday
• Results of Personality Tests
• Roleplaying
• Unwritten Rules
• Interests
• Quotes
• Photos
• Handfasting
• Cats
• Vurt
• Home

Well its been a fair while since I've written in here. I haven't used my computer much at all since being home. Partly because I went home to parents for a few days without a net connection and partly because Madi has barricaded it in his room and is using it to play Diablo II 24 hrs a day.

Well. I didn't die in the operation. And somethings are good. Basically the operation was a sucess. Repaired tendon, and removed much yuckiness from foot, didn't have to replace muscles which was good. Hospital was interesting. Good food, surprisingly good, although I didn't eat most of it, being pretty sick after the general aneasthetic. Although I did eat all my jelly! Before the operation I was given some temazapan to make me sleepy, however the op was then delayed so long, I had my nap and was wide awake when going into surgery. They gave my the anesthetic sleepy drug and I felt it go all down my body quickly and it felt very strange and sent me to sleep immediately. I guess thats the goal - but I'd always had a pre-anesthetic injection before and never felt anything quite like it. Mikey was kind enough to take me and pick me up from the hospital which was nice. And a couple of people came to visit. I spent most of my time there sleeping.

Crutches suck. I mean really really suck. With arthritis in my hands - I can't grip them properly and its really painful to put so much pressure on my hands and arms. I'm badly bruised under arms. And I can't carry anything. I can either sit down and do stuff, or move around. Not being able to carry stuff is the worst. You can't get a drink and then sit down to enjoy it, same with food. Cooking was very difficult when I first got out of hospital because I wasn't supposed to be moving around and I couldn't figure out how. Madi went to Canberra all suddenly like, so I had no-one to look after me and it was rather scary and depressing, and I cried alot, feeling helpless and useless. And the house was in such a mess. I also kicked Lee out because she made me very angry with her rudeness, meaness and cruelty. I can't feed the cats.

I ran away to parents for a few days. I got pretty upset over this as well. Because being with my parents is stressful at the best of time. Mum seems to spend all her time complaining about things. She isn't a very happy person and thats sad, and I don't know what I can do about it. I'm very resentful towards them and the fact both Joe and Lee got and get some much from them, when I remember how I got nothing for all those years. I guess its oldest child syndrome or something. Then I feel guilty for thinking bad thoughts and stuff. Jealously is a really unpleasant emotion. I spent many years successfully ignoring it, and don't enjoy experiencing it now.

Came home to even more confusion. Madi is quite sick and its scary, and I don't know how to deal with it. I've been looking after him and spoiling him and running errands for him. Again being slightly resentful because I'm the one that needs looking after now not should be looking after others. But anyway, I'm being sympathetic and confused. We had to move stuff around, because Madi had to move out of the front room and Simon (new flatmate) move in. So I roped in ppl to help and it got done. My house is still a mess. But has been re-arranged. Is a strange vibe in the house. With Madi being weird and Simon being new I'm not enjoying being home much, and trying to get out of the house when I can. Madi keeps talking about moving to Canberra in the next few days. Hopefully things will get better when he leaves. Of course - we are going to have to store all his stuff for awhile...

My house doesn't feel like a home at all. And I'm not comfortable in it. I have until June to make a decision - but not staying much past then looks good at the moment.

It hasn't been a good year so far. I'm not very happy. I've lost several people I care about, and been forced to evualate how few real friends I have who I can count on. I've had surgery and painful recovery. I'm pretty unhappy about my current sex life status. I haven't been able to be there for people who I'd like to be there for. Most of my attempts at revamping my life haven't worked to date - although I haven't put much effort in, and wont be for another month. I failed with lee. And work gets more depressing daily. There have been a couple of good things...but they are vague.

I wish I could write something more cheerful. Although I guess i haven't written for so long, that no one is prolly reading this anyway.

Getting healthy is expensive, so are doctors and hospitals. Still prefer private to public, but anyway.

I'm sitting here at work, reading news for the first time in several weeks, and wondering if I have the strength to walk as far as the union building to get lunch.