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11/9/2000

There are days at work when I'm glad I have a office to myself, its somewhere to hide. Especially when you are sitting in your office and crying.

I hate endings, I really really hate endings. Yet I'm holding onto something that's been over for along time, or holding onto things that I lost passion for along time ago, or holding onto ideas and concepts that no one else other than me still values, and holding onto dreams that everyone gave up or got over a long time ago... I guess its why I have boxes of junk lying around everywhere full of crap as well. Everynow and then I open a box and go through its contents and toss most of them in the bin, never shaking the feeling that I'll regret it sooner or later.

I wish it was as easy to go through my life and prune all the old bits, and over bits and get on with creating new bits. I'm making a change. I'm slowly getting over Madi, but every now and then he lets something slip or says something that really hurts, and I don't think he even notices. He is happy with his decision.

I guess I never really wanted the good bits to end, and as such can't let go of the dead concepts - and of course all my friends are too nice to say, its dead, let it go. Those days are over and its time to try and shake the bits of my life that tell my that the best days and the best times are over, and its never going to be that good again. I need to stop trying to recreate a time that is lost and work on something new.

I've had some incredibly blunt and honest and open conversations with my new boi. I know enough to know that this is probably just going to be a fling, and never anything more. I'm too insecure and emotionally fucked up for him to want to deal with, so he will place me in the too hard basket and move on. Personally I'm just trying to get up the courage to be the first to step back and walk away before it all ends in tears. Mind you the reason I haven't left already is maybe I'm just hoping against hope that I'm wrong this time (like I've been wrong about pretty much every prediction this year) and maybe it all will work out for the best.

Re-creation is hard. I know what I want to be, I know who I want be, I also know that I've been there, and without the wonderful group of friends I had to help me, I'm never going to be there again. I can't achieve that by myself, I need help and support, and to be a part of something bigger and more wonderful than just me. What I know have to do, is get over that, and move on to something differnt. I need to make new goals and I need to make new dreams, and face up to the fact that those people I thought would always be there, probably wont.

I'm retiring from my role as cast Organiser for Rocky, I'm also retiring from my role as NotaCon organiser.

I'm over Rocky, I haven't got enough joy from it to be worth it in a long time, the only thing that's stopped me so far, is the fact that the last two times I've let someone else take control, they have done horrible things to the cast I worked so hard to make work. It's also the fact that I geniuenily love performing. and I don't think I'm too bad at it. And I tend to take charge on the the ggrounds that if I want to do something I want it done properly, and it seems the only way thats going to get done is if I do it. I would like to keep performing. I just don't want the responsibility anymore - its a thankless job.

NotaCon is a little different and a little harder. NotaCon is my baby, its something I created, and something that I still think is a very good idea. However, I think its dying, and I don't have the desire or energy to revive it. I've asked for help many times, and it's never really happened, even when i hand jobs to others, they insist on asking many questions and queries so I end up doing most of the work anyway. No-one else is willing to take responsibility. And I have a suspicion that me walking away will only hasten its death. I very nearly walked out half way through NotaCon yesterday, but didn't because I felt a responsibility to those there. I would be happy to keep running games for people at NotaCon, however I'm no longer happy to run it. NotaCon is a community event and will not work without community support, and I feel it isn't getting the that support, and I'm sick of doing thankless jobs.

Sometimes you don't ask because you're afraid of the answer, sometimes you ask quite clearly and still don't get an answer. Somedays I want a yes or a no, I've never been keen on maybes.

The future is grey at the moment, I want it to be colours, to do that, I need to put everything behind me, close my eyes, comes up with some new dreams and goals that are dependant on me, no one else, and step forward...